funny - but not really - that before i come to this page...the sentences, thoughts, rhymes, etc are flowing & racing around my mind so freely. but then i come to this page to try and put them down here in order to rid my mind of them & what happens???nada. so then i write about how i have a lot to write about but none of that is being written, ha

i find the funk still exists in me...like, i'm doing well (praise the Lord in heaven - only by His hand have i been sustained)...but in the quiet moments or times spent without the familiarity of friends (family) the funk, the loneliness fills & constricts my breath.

i talk to God, I talk to You. & in this moment right now I pray that I am not faking either of us out. I commit things to you often & we know they are from a contrite spirit & lowly heart. I know i don't need to convince you of that. there are moments, sometimes hours, that i have to convince myself.

sigh~ i called, you answered. you came to my rescue. & i wanna be where you are

i wanna love and be loved in returned but i hardly know how to do that...hardly know how to love....even more hardly know how to let myself be loved in returned. 

i know pretty well how to love in the sense of friendships but head-over-heels, make-me-wanna-wear-pink love? i'm disillioned, confused, left high and soaking wet from tears fallen down with discontent and self-loathing.

trust and obey for there's no better way, no other way.....hot dang! that's hard...and yet it is ALL i want...and ALL i need...and in that i know that this beloved's best interest is/are in the heart and eyes, and wounded hands of the Best.

Here's a conversation that Lance and I seriously just had.

Steph belches.

Lance says with disgust: ugh, what are we ever going to do with you? That's not very lady like.

Steph in retaliation: Well I'm not "lady like". I'm gonna go do my push-ups, read a book, and go to bed.

Lance: how are you ever going to win a man?

Steph: Did you just really say, "win a man?" Are you freaking kidding me? we're in 2007, right? not 1953.

my signature: t-shirt and jeans

i think, if you try two outfits on and "it's just still not working"
throw on the hoodie and jeans and go with being yourself

In other news, America is WAYYY too dependent on toilet paper.

sometimes the drowning rises too deep.
the mush of reality and desire mix so blue.
the waves crash heavy on my shoulders, brow, bones.
debate is the doorway to hell.

rise up and kill the envious moon
before it falls and you are crushed
die another day